Emotional highs and lows of all kinds,
Sometimes the best way to end it is to
Sit on my stool in my prayer closet with
My head in my hands,
To just weep with Jesus,
No words needed,
To quietly cry until I feel cleansed and
Then get ready for bed.
After a day filled with a string of
Emotional highs and lows of all kinds, Sometimes the best way to end it is to Sit on my stool in my prayer closet with My head in my hands, To just weep with Jesus, No words needed, To quietly cry until I feel cleansed and Then get ready for bed.
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When a loved one dies, the "firsts" are
Always the hardest. The first birthday without him, the First Thanksgiving and Christmas and Anniversary. I experienced another one today. I hadn't been to the VA health center since Jack died almost two years ago. I had a meeting there with another family member, And as I drove the familiar route down the Freeway and turned off at the airport exit, I wondered how many trips I'd taken to the Facility with Jack over the years; Visits to the eye doctor, the Dermatologist, the Heart doc, the Neurologist, the Audiologist, the Kidney specialist the Dentist. How many hours had I spent waiting for Him, but time which I actually enjoyed since I could read or do my crossword puzzles without Feeling like I was wasting time. But the trips to the care center in later years Were weighty ones, Pushing Jack in a wheelchair, trying to maneuver His tank of oxygen, receiving only bad news from the Kidney doctor, realizing his days were Painfully coming to an end. Even reading a book didn't make the waiting Palatable. All those wrenching memories pierced my Heart as I walked through the familiar Hallways today. But there is one consolation. My first visit back to the VA without Jack is now Behind me, and the "firsts" are Always the hardest. We were having a friendly chat on my
Neighbor's patio when the topic Turned to funerals. Our plans ranged from having no Service at all and simply tossing the Remains into the woods, to a full Fledged open casket church ceremony. I joined in with my thoughts. In my opinion viewings have been unfairly Criticized. Having lost my parents, my brother, and Two husbands, I appreciated the hugs, the Warm memories, the love from folks that I Rarely ever see. Min's body was visible in the casket. His girls were curious about the bandage on His head. They weren't afraid at all. At Jack's memorial service he was already Reduced to ashes. We pictured him in our hearts. No matter. The important thing was that friends and Family were there to share my sorrow. And a service is a last hurrah, a final chance For me to affirm that I'm still alive and Well with Jesus and that those sitting there Can have that hope too. In the end, the service, the plans, the Proceedings are for those who are left Behind, for what is meaningful for them. I appreciated my dear, dear Jack's approach. He had written out his desires, and I Followed them the best I could. But in his instructions he had added, "Let Dorothy Do whatever she feels is best." And I did. I will give the same instructions to my Kids.
I don't feel competent for the task
Before me, Lord. I feel totally inept. But that's a good thing. I never want to feel adequate for the Assignments You give me. Otherwise I would depend on myself and Not on You. The weather was perfect for an evening walk.
I pulled on my shoes and as an After thought I tied a gospel bracelet Around my wrist, just in case. I greeted a couple walking their new Chocolate Lab puppy. "Oh, what they're in for!" I thought. Soon, a striking man in an orange turban walked Toward me. He had a long flowing gray beard and an Enormous mustache that stuck out on Both sides as though it had been Starched and then glued on. We said "Hello" as we passed, but then My conscience nudged me. Should I have said something more? "If we meet again, I'll speak to him," I decided. Sure enough, once more he headed my Way, but I had to push aside a lot of fear to Make myself stop him. "Are you from India?" I asked. "Yes, I am," He responded. "Are you a Hindu?" "No, I'm a Sikh." In his broken English he tried to Describe his faith. And then I used my color beaded bracelet To explain mine. I shared the beautiful story of Jesus with my New friend. In turn, he showed me a small plastic sword Attached to his belt loop that had a Special meaning to him. "In India it would be a real sword worn Over my chest," He said. As we said good-by we shook hands and Shared our names. I can't remember his long one, and I Doubt he remembers my short one. But a seed was planted tonight, and I Pray someone waters it. While I was out of town I visited a church for
The first time, and I noticed a family In the row in front of me. Five children were sitting politely with Their mom on one end and their dad on The other. I soon realized that one little guy wearing Glasses was a special child. He had "Downs." During the service he walked to the End of the row, crawled up into His dad's lap and sqeezed his Neck with delight. I could see his sweet smile. The two clung together for a long time. Then the boy worked his way to his Mother, hugging one of his sisters as he Slipped in front of her. The teenager hugged him back. Snuggled in his mom's arms now, the two of Them were encased in joy. Not a word was spoken, But I witnessed acceptance, Gratitude, Gentleness and hope. While I listened to one sermon, I Observed another, a family skilled and Schooled in love. When Jack was beginning to get confused
I took him to adult day care three days a Week. The service, provided by the VA, gave me a Break, but Jack didn't like it. The other clients were more muddled than he Was, and he couldn't converse with them. It bothered him that one of the ladies kept Confiscating the others' belongings. I tried to humor Jack, but he Wouldn't buy it. We cut back to just two days a week, and Finally, I agreed that he could opt out of Going at all. It had been a painful three month period for Both of us. Today I was back in the same facility visiting A lady in rehab. As I left, the receptionist informed me, "Our day care area has been totally Remodeled. It's wonderful! You should Take a look at it." I was polite, but I just had to decline her offer. There are some memories I would just Rather forget. |
Dorothy Kalb Hsu Seitzinger
Writing poetry has helped me process and express my sorrows and joys, my concerns and blessings. "Life is hard, but God is good!" Archives
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